By Noonien Goldeneye O’Brien

The opening moments of Vanilla Ice’s biopic make sound, funky sense — “sense” inasmuch as an early-90s dance-off needs to take place in a clean, random, disused warehouse in the middle of nowhere.

V, as he is known by his friends, breaks out dance moves in a simultaneous fit of Cerebral Palsy meltdown and fly-swatting. Naomi Campbell inexplicably camps out under a spot, providing background vocals. Everybody is instructed to “get loose”. Indeed, a powerful meeting of the minds — of rhythm! And with that, V and his posse saddle up on their neon road bikes and hit the open road.

What follows makes even more sense (“more” in this case meaning “none whatsoever”). On a whim, V threatens the life of a horse rider by deliberately firing his bike into her oncoming path. He then proceeds to steal her diary, shacks up in a nearby town for bike repairs, and, upon discovering that the horse rider lives across the road, proceeds to court her by harassment.

Never mind that she a) has a boyfriend and b) is totally ignorant of the Vanilla Ice back catalogue. V is persistent through a subtle combination of stalking and pouting. Cool as Ice finally showcases the sensitive side that V’s name instills — including such sure-fire courting rituals as shirtless bike-rides, building site peek-a-boo and breaking into her bedroom in the wee hours to leer over her as she wakes.

V’s passive-aggressive behaviour and perpetual wardrobe changes aren’t the most confusing aspects in Cool as Ice. There is a sinister side to Cool as Ice that is nowhere, repeat, NOWHERE to be found in the film’s blurb. Unbeknownst to V, the family of the girl he is stalking (headed by Family Ties’ pops, Michael Gross) is under witness protection, and hey presto, within the last ten minutes, two threatening goons show up to kidnap their youngest child. Suddenly, V turns vigilante hero, his bike starts blasting through walls and we realise this is not a comedy — it never was.

Available on import (VHS or Laser Disk only).

This article can be found snugly tucked away in issue 2.1.