By Gowron Van Helsing

I never knew there was a NES game of Willow, and you probably didn’t either. Don’t pretend you do, nobody thinks your cool for it. It’s one of those Pokémon / Zelda style top-down view RPG-adventure games where everybody looks like tree stumps, walks like penguins on crack, and you can walk into stranger’s houses, and the inhabitants, instead of contacting the authorities, inform you of facts such as how to get to some magical forest or how to equip items.

Seriously, if I broke into your house (wielding a longsword and magical rocks, or some similar shit BTW I’m also a midget) would you tell me how to equip the magic acorns? I thought as much. Maybe you shitheads wouldn’t need me to save you all from peril if you used some fucking sense and lock your doors, and stop handing out weapons and armour to random dwarves who enter your residence. Now that I think of it, why would regular sized people carry armour that fits midgets?

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By Noonien Goldeneye O’Brien

The opening moments of Vanilla Ice’s biopic make sound, funky sense — “sense” inasmuch as an early-90s dance-off needs to take place in a clean, random, disused warehouse in the middle of nowhere.

V, as he is known by his friends, breaks out dance moves in a simultaneous fit of Cerebral Palsy meltdown and fly-swatting. Naomi Campbell inexplicably camps out under a spot, providing background vocals. Everybody is instructed to “get loose”. Indeed, a powerful meeting of the minds — of rhythm! And with that, V and his posse saddle up on their neon road bikes and hit the open road.

What follows makes even more sense (“more” in this case meaning “none whatsoever”). On a whim, V threatens the life of a horse rider by deliberately firing his bike into her oncoming path. He then proceeds to steal her diary, shacks up in a nearby town for bike repairs, and, upon discovering that the horse rider lives across the road, proceeds to court her by harassment.

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Current issue

Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Available in stores and online from Robio and King’s Comics.

Next issue sneak peek

Coming soon! Includes interviews with Larry DiTillio and Lisa (daughter of Jim) Henson.